When you can't find the words....
This has all grieved me, paralyzed me even. I have watched as others have assimilated thoughts and words and ideas on how to overcome this current crisis and I just now feel as if I’m getting my words to spill out of my head and heart. I am perpetually finding myself in cycles of lament as it feels like every day there is a new revelation of the strangeness none of us asked for…..and yet we find ourselves reconstructing our entire lives over it.
N.T. Wright so eloquently spoke the words I’ve wrestled to find in his article to the Times magazine, “There is a reason we normally try to meet in the flesh. There is a reason solitary confinement is such a severe punishment. And this Lent has no fixed Easter to look forward to. We can’t tick off the days. This is a stillness, not of rest, but of poised, anxious sorrow.”
I’ve not known which direction to go. Every moment, every decision, every hope seemingly overtaken by the next news reel. To alienate some version of some role I am called to play is a guarantee. To search for Jesus is where I keep running back to and yet the very resources I am accustomed to experiencing Him have given further understanding to all the spiritual idols of comfort I have constructed in my experience. It is the very portion to my existence I have staked my life on…and yet it has taken every energy to remain tethered to simple Truth and gospel message with only Bible in hand. It is a fair estimate we have ALL hit a vortex of reality NO ONE could have known was coming. Global Pandemic is a box check no one thought they would be checking in 2020. Along with all of you I have wrestled to keep my focus sharp towards the Light, towards the Presence of the Comfort of my soul and yours.
Walking has become my greatest pastime of curiosity into these chasms of soul I can’t quite explain. Matter of fact I can’t remotely hope to explain them with words and sentences and voice…..I think the only fair estimation of explanation right now is in emotions. Literal physical expressions of feeling. So, I walk, and I weep.
Words feel hard but weeping while I walk has felt effortless.
Wept when I saw the break of dawn and the expanse of cerulean blue with morning dew.
Wept when I felt my ears open wide to hear the song of the red ripe robins singing in perfect harmony.
Wept when I uttered the truth to God alone, “YOU are good and kind and here”.
Wept when I watched my three children riding bikes around the corner in a synchronized row of wheels spinning through the quiet neighborhood.
Wept when I imagined the unimaginable pain of my friend’s friend losing her father to cancer AND corona virus as he died with no one able to be by his bedside because they weren’t allowed in the hospital.
Wept when I sat before the message of the gospel with renewed desperation – by Grace alone, through Faith alone, in Christ alone – and gave all the space it needed to pour over my being afresh.
Wept as I realized I have no idea what to say, to pray, to feel, to write amidst such horrific loss.
Wept as I realized the energy of perfect peace, hope and joy my soul is being sustained with through this crisis day by day.
To weep has become an agent of healing. To truly FEEL the tender language of outflowing emotions in hand and to allow the heavy cumulonimbus tear clouds to break wide open and fall from the head, to the heart to beneath the feet of the Almighty in worship is the only response I have these days.
To be flung, thrust, hurried and inescapably desperate for the presence of Jesus is wrapped inside every plea. At this point in the journey I echo the heart of Moses in Exodus 33:18 when he pleaded “Please, show me your glory!”
“I’ve come to see that it’s through the deepest suffering that God has taught me the deepest lessons. And if we’ll trust Him for it, we can come through to the unshakable assurance that He’s in charge. He has a loving purpose. And He can transform something terrible into something wonderful. Suffering is never for nothing.” {Elizabeth Elliot}
It would seem as if the earth agrees with the weeping as the clouds have rolled in to cover the blue morning wet with not just dew, but now rain. I am rushed with the reminder to continue to cast all my doubts and fears and tears within the downfall of the rain because none of this scares the Almighty.
To allow the clouds heavy with tears to drop from head, to heart to beneath the feet of the Almighty Creator….and to simply rest what words I can’t seem to find before His able care and to tune the audible of my worship to HIS VOICE.
Our voice and our volume are not what we need in this my friends. His Voice. His Volume. This is what we need.
The audio of the worshippers is what we need as our emotions fall haphazardly around this crisis. Let the worshippers arise. Everywhere. Anywhere. On rooftops. In laundry rooms. In neighborhoods. In living rooms. In shop rooms. Amongst lonely hours and desperate nights. Let those who worship in spirit and Truth arise and worship. {John 4:24}
Let the weeping, the worshipping, the wailing, the waiting, the wondering thrust our beings perpetually on the altar of praise.
Praise as we lie down.
Praise as we sit down.
Praise as we let down.
Praise as we go down.
Praise as we fall down.
Praise as we kneel down.
Praise from the head, to the heart, to the feet of JESUS.
Because as we weep, He weeps. {John 11:35}
Because as we pray, He intercedes. {Romans 8:34}
Because as we plead, He sustains. {Matthew 6:33}
Let the Amen sound from your people again, for we give you our adoration Adonai.
